Current mood:

cold

So... Lately things have been weird for me. It's a battle between my heart and my head.. and right now my heart is winning. Thank god.

*clutches stomach* owwwwowowowowow I hurt so BAD.

I just got up and I had to fall to the ground.. my feet are swollen and everything is making cracking sounds. *can't be comfortable in her chair*

I'm waiting till I can call my boyfriend back... I don't know. Things are just so weird. But partly, if not mostly, they are my fault. He messed with a couple of girls before telling me, which I agree is a stupid rule that makes zero sense, but is nonetheless unforgivable because he promised he would never do that. And he did that twice. I mean, I said I had forgave him after that, but.. it's hard to forgive when you're still fucked up in the head because of it.

I don't get myself.

The other day. My beloved... his birthday. He wanted to know if he could have permission on this one girl and I basically told him whatever. I know that sounds bad to say in that situation, but I didn't care. I was already pissed off and I wasn't thinking. A part of me thought that if I had said that, that he would know that I didn't want him to.

I didn't want to tell him no.

I didn't want to say that the picture he sent me of her... made me want to hurl. Made my heart sink.

I wanted him to just choose only me, like I had him.

We are...(were?) monogamous. I thought he knew I wasn't up for anything like that right now.

I hated that I couldn't... I didn't DARE touch him today. The girl he sent me the picture of wasn't like me at all. I'm sorry, but she looked cheap... Shaved/weirdly plucked eyebrows, cleavage and all. He didn't even mention her name. He had just met her.

And the fact that he mentioned that she was bisexual repulsed me.

How is she my type? She reminds me of PHYLICIA. She blatantly, obviously looks like someone I wouldn't be able to get along with. How could he not know this?? It makes me wonder, does he know me at all?

I was so.. angry. Not about what he was texting me, but of my own words. I was talking to one of my friends. And I was telling him how I've been feeling lately. So I did. And I was shocked. Just telling him... I felt..

Like crap.

I felt I needed to sugar coat things so they wouldn't seem as bad, you know? I was telling him about the two girls, and the word "cheating" was typed...

I didn't know how to feel. I forgave him. But was it cheating? Did I think it was because I had no say in the matter? Because we were supposedly mono at the time? Was that why I was/am so hurt by it? ... Not because of the act itself?

I was angry. And that had to be the worst time EVER that he would text me, asking for my permission to fool around. And with some girl I didn't know, that he just met?

I just wanted to die.

I wanted him to know that I was upset. But I didn't want to make him feel down around his friends. I didn't want to make him hurt with me on his own fucking birthday.

So after I told him to be himself and do whatever, through tears, he texted back, "KK" ...

...

I fell apart.

He didn't question it.. And I could just imagine him taking her hand, and going to another room to do godknowswhat.

He told me later that he had just pecked her twice on the lips.

I hurt... I had to bite down on my thumb to stop from saying anything I'd regret.

It was later when he thought I was kinda okay with it that he said they had madeout and dry-humped in him roomates room.

I had to hang up so I could scream into my pillow and cry more.

This was soon after I had told him to stop. "I'm saying the word.. Stop. Please."

I could barely let those words part my lips. I had been withholding everything and was relieved slightly when I had told him no.

I just didn't want him to be mad with me... It looked like I was upset over nothing...

It was my fault. I didn't want him to miss out on anything... I didn't want to, it wasn't my place to deny him anything he wanted. I want him to choose. I can't make the decision when I know nothing...

I choose only him, no matter what. He chooses whatever's in the moment.

And I will always stick by him because I do my very best to accept everything he is. I love him, and that will never change.

Today I just hugged him. I couldn't look him in the face fully yet though... I didn't want to cry anymore. I just wanted him to know that I was still there, latching on.

.... I still haven't gotten a reply from him. What is he doing? I told him I had things to tell him, and he said he would listen...

but so far I haven't been able to get a hold of him, which is weird... A girl was using his phone earlier but... *sigh* I have no idea.

It's getting hard... I feel constantly/consistently disappointed lately. I waited for him today on my hour lunch break for half of it. I know it's just the bus, that he can't help things... but still.

It builds up, you know?


:( lately my days... have been so complicated.

It's hard to say I'm fine when people at work know there's something wrong with me... They all do.


"nai"